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Life update & mid year goals


Time for another little life update as I've not written anything here in over a week. I do have good reason though - I've not been myself recently. In fact, it's more than that. I've not been myself, I've lost all track of dates and days, I've been to and from the doctors like a yo-yo and I just generally feel awful. I'm eating probably less than one meal per day and struggling with that and I barely leave my flat, unless I need to go to the shop for food etc.

I've never really been one to label something on myself, but my mental health has really taken a beating these last few weeks. I haven't felt this bad for years and now I don't know how to cope with it. I've never really dealt with anxiety before until recently and for all my doubts about it, they have been discarded now. I truly believe that when people say they have anxiety that they are really suffering.

I will admit I was doubtful of most people saying they suffered with anxiety, OCD or insomnia because I felt that, through the internet, it was kind of glamourised, but I don't doubt this any more. If someone were to tell me now, my attitude would be totally different. It's made it so difficult for me to go back to a normal routine. In fact, I tried to go into work this week, got to the outside of the building and couldn't bring myself to go in, I felt like my heart was going to fall out my chest and I was struggling to breath, I had to phone Craig just to calm down. I ended up speaking to one of the managers who was really nice about it and advised me to go home and speak to the doctor again as clearly I couldn't come into work.

With all this going on I've also been getting tested for numerous problems with my stomach. This is partially why I'm only eating one meal per day, because if I eat more I end up feeling nauseous and bring it back up. I'm being sent for a stomach scan and then an endoscopy, which I am not looking forward to, so they'll be sedating me for it. Hopefully this brings a means to an end and they can figure out what's going on in there.

This in mind, I'm setting myself some mini goals to try and get my life back on track.

1. Get myself back to work.
I've been off for a while now and not only do I feel incredibly guilty about missing work, I need the money as we're trying to save for a mortgage right now and literally every penny counts.

2. Leave the flat more.
I've become a shut in these last few weeks and barely seen anyone. I've not even really seen my mum and I usually see her at least once a week.

3. List five good things.
I've been encouraged to write down five good things every day to help set my mind at ease when I start to panic about things. I don't know if this is something everyone does, but I've found it's been helping me a bit. I keep a bullet journal anyway so I've just kind of incorporated this into it. Sometimes I struggle with all five things so it comes down to smaller things that are written down.

4. Take care of myself more.
I don't really do all these things you see about pampering and self-care that often but from what I've been told, it really does help. My self confidence has plummeted and I need to try and pull it back up slowly. So I've booked myself an appointment at the hairdressers as my hair badly needs it and I'm regularly taking time away from my phone & laptop for some peace and quiet.

5. Learn to let things go.
I'm terrible for not letting things go, literally terrible. I overanalyse every little situation until I get to the point where I can't think about it any more. I need to learn to let go of things that I can't control or things that are only doing more harm than good and learning to walk away from poisonous situations and people, even if it means people you're close to.

I'm hoping things will eventually have some normalcy again and everything will calm down, even if it does take a while. I just want to be able to go back to a nice normal day and not constantly feel like my stomach is about it twist itself in half. Hopefully this will come soon, otherwise something else will need to change.

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